1. I remember Dr. Win Wenger, Ph D and his book The Einstein Factor, in which forty years of age was given as some kind of benchmark. I don’t know if ‘life begins at forty or ends.’ I don’t know if sowing of wild oats stops completely at forty.
2. It was this statement “sowing of wild oats…” in the context of “Genetic Study of Geniuses” by Catherine M. Cox quoted by Win that was somewhat difficult to interpret for me when I was reading this book. I asked Arun Sipani who was living in the same building I was living in. He interpreted it for me. It was 22 years ago.
3. This year seemed the most difficult in comparison to all previous years. It seemed more difficult even compared to COVID 19 pandemic years peak. I visited the village where my parents were working when my primary education began. I remember the room where my mother wrote first couple of English language words and drew couple of pictures to illustrate them. I visited the village after two decades. The banyan tree has disappeared. Its descendant is there. Some structures have remained, which sometimes raise doubt if I was at the same place.
4. The journey was difficult. It was as difficult as events preceding the journey were. Then I started walking frequently to escape the daily grind of household. It wasn’t easy out there, yet it seemed it was some source of change, some comfort, perhaps finding new job opportunity to change my lifestyle.
5. I started working in a cafe after meeting some acquaintances from pandemic years. Young entrepreneurs. As I started working I found out how much had changed. Being a regular patron of their services was completely different from being an employee. I thought I deserved respect, I thought I deserved fair treatment from educated enterpreneurs. I even dedicated a weblog to it.
6. The work gradually got hectic. I needed to pay for commute and it exceeded the earning. Almost no balance left. It was merely being employed for the sake of being employed. Their business was faltering. It seemed as if odds were against us. Against me.
7. It wasn’t a wrong interpretation. Soon after quitting the only job which might have meant regular source of livelihood my father who recently got his retirement from a long career in government service met with a tragic accident and got admitted into a hospital.
8. After a few months I was supposed to be admitted into the same hospital with a similar procedure as if it was due for a long time. Prior to that I had to undergo injuries multiple times. Injuries which seemed strange and inexplicable at times and took longer to heal than before.
9. My mother got transferred to a new work place which only aggravated the situation. There was a birth in the extended family.
10. It rained like never before and roofs were leaking. It was a consistent source of concern without any escape.
11. The tuition jobs were also lost as students disappeared on some excuse or the other. I was supposed to get psychiatric treatment which only aggravated the situation. Students didn’t even pay fees and I kept hearing rumors.
12. Under medication or by design I went through worst kind of conditioning which made me re-evaluate my entire lifestyle. It wasn’t polite. It was as abusive as it gets. It might even qualify as description of purgatory or hell. Though I have already used these for similar upheavals before.
13. I was trying to make sense of the trauma and disaster. Trying to find out if there was an acute famine which necessitates giving up on all sources of comfort. There were no clues. People were keeping up appearances like before. There was no news of a world wide disaster. I thought maybe it was the end for me and after a few days of fasting I would get Sallekhana ( Jainism), Paryopvesh (Hinduism) or Euthanasia ( European English term). It might also have made sense if it was consistent. I kept working on Free Rice website which was supported by United Nations World Food Program. I was working on a difficult project which was supposed to be completed by the end of this year had there not been as many tragedies within a single year as happened in this year or in the last few years.
14. I was supposed to keep working and following the new code of conduct without going to previous diet or comfort level.
15. I finally got over the forty years mark without getting to see the end. The clearly defined end meant not having to see similar identities or not going through similar events all over again. That criteria was clear even during the acceptance of all the trauma. It didn’t get fulfilled. It wasn’t a typical Sallekhana or Euthanasia.
Twilight zone bird!
1. The tower of light where I used to roam around in my early childhood is visible.
2. A puzzle was solved after 15 years. A Cisco Certified Network Associates teacher whose mother was a psychiatrist beated a classmate because they hid a duster. Now maybe I understand .
3. Azaan is heard from a nearby mosque and a few kids are frolicking.
4. The Moon is sleeping.
5. Kids in academy were enjoying the good weather.
6. I gave my phone number to another acquaintance.
7. Batlings horsefly flyover flutterby overture undertone noted ones instead of outstead battue Tuesday daylight light years earmarked marksmanship hip-hop gossamer mercurial shipwrecked rialta altazimuth .
Ice Cream!
A few birds are chirping around a cute little baby owl who blinks often. It can rotate its head with the aid of its flexible neck. They say it’s malukeshvara: the vehicle of the goddess of the oppolense. Luxeme is her sweet sweet name. Taxeme. Raceme. Laxeme.
The birds have a forked tail with a red mark. The Chamleone is shy of being photographed. Cyborg. Organized Zed Eye. Yen. Enneagram. Tetrahedron.
The climate is appropriate for writing poetry. I am in love with myself. Every bit of myself. It is the peak of aware narcissistic personality if there is a thing.
Why did luxeme choose the owl as its vehicle?
Why all the young men in my vicinity including those who have been associated with the name of Gandhi want to work as a government servant instead of carving a nice niche for themselves.
You see how it works: despite being the brightest guy around none of them stay my students for very long. The excuse might be this or that: I have a hard time selling my communication skills.
I sometimes feel richest. When I see birds and dark clouds. Among worshippers of money I am one among many. A nobody. I was systematically taught by some of the greatest teachers to not cling. They had a big systematic organisation which required management and marketing. I took them literally. They were the most effective because of the advertisement.
Unlock up zip up hoodie and codex. Index. Dexterity. Ritzy Ritwik bailiwick. I don’t think I had a choice to regret not being able to play World Food Program rice donation game. I also didn’t have the freedom to improve my vocabulary in the last one month. However, in the next few months, hopefully, you would see a meteoric rise in my vocabulary size which would be nice ice cream. It took me 26 minutes to write, edit and publish.
Temperature dropped again.
1. Ajit Jogi and Bezaan Daaruwaala leave.
2. I met an octagenerian. He used to live here as a tenant. The fact that I began reading literature written by Shriram Sharma and continued reading it till I left for Kota, Rajasthan for the preparation of JEE was made possible by him. He had an ample amount of literature which he had purchased during the 1992 Ashvamedh Yajna. He was an officer in the education department. A martinate. A bit peevish. He’s currently suffering from consumption, like my grandmother . The meeting today was brief.
3. There was again a lightning episode yesterday which killed three young men in a village nearby. They were in their farmhouse for picnic.
4. Temperature dropped again. On May 13, it was for the first time: I participated in the prayer meeting. I was enjoying a bike ride in a thunderstorm and my uncle who had planned to join me had to drop out because of the weather after we had a visit to the temple of the Goddess.
5. Our matches are turning out to be low scoring these days. I expect that young people would understand apocalypse. I forget my multiple demises. I can’t keep my experience in mind while I communicate with them. Cricket.
6. Height experiments are fun to demonstrate. I was successful in showing it to 3 witnesses. My height is variable between two measures. It has been consistently so.
7. As I was weeding out the carrot grass: I saw a black monkey. It was near the mango tree. Near the green tomb of the saint. I uprooted 100 plants. I had conversation about Bengal : Karna, Mahabharata, Angadesha and devotional anecdotes. It was after my reading of rice cultivation.
8. The day was rich only because of the weather. Unless the temperature was bearable I wouldn’t have been able to write this note comfortably. I saw the maid on my walk back from the wilderness. She had sent her two daughters for work because she had injured her right hand middle finger. Similarly my uncle injured his while trying to chip the Supari as I was taking a nap on sofa on Sunday.
Memoirs
1. I am facing the music. It mostly has sirocco zephyr and chirping chirality typhoons spoons.
2. The screen has a few more cracks. As usual my dead furthers his procrastination on new smartphone and mummy is a slave.
3. I had lost my wallet by 9 o clock yesterday night. Logos. I gained it by 9 o clock this morning. It had 1115₹. You might assume that I am rich. Truth is: 222 ₹ per day is the cutoff for below poverty line income in India. I have no job or source of income. This money is from tuition fee in 2018. I don’t have requisite documents to receive government help for Below Poverty Line people. I can’t afford to buy petrol for my bike or coffee pouches for long. I need tuitions to further my career.
4. I wouldn’t have dared to report loss of my wallet if I hadn’t regained it. In that case: my carelessness and failure in rediscovering it would have been an agony in print. I went at around 11 in night to search it using the smartphone torch and I couldn’t.
Now: it’s a report about my good fortune and solace of quanta.
5. Body is sweating profusely and am getting addicted to two rupees pouches of Nescafe instant coffee. The brand doesn’t need likes of me for endorsing it . It’s a conditioning. Bike and coffee go hand-in-hand. And you tend to gain weight faster than you think. As I am sweating : weight is melting flab in lab labile smile . Miles to go before frost bucket list Milo sorghum beghum hummingbird iridescent descent scent of cenotaphs.
6. Writing heavily depends on weather, place and overheard conversations. I am consistently inconsistent these days.
7. Take for example: the reading of the constitution of India. Procrastination. Pramadi is the name of Vikrama Samvatsara. I might return to read the page four only when Nautanki is over.
8. Excessive fasting is evil. Penance is evil unless you know how to immediately switch over to positive from the negative. Blind imitation is evil. And what is evil? A rhetorical device.
9. We had many tenants. My father knew how to use every nook and corner for business. For the want of concentration I kept fighting. I went to my aunt’s place to study during a marriage ceremony. If I had the talent I would have stopped all marriages like this with a snap of fingers and expelled the tenants out but then what about our studies? Oh since both my parents did grade three clerical jobs like evaluation of answer notebooks and dancing before education or administrative officers, everything except teaching kids: it would have sufficed. My father might have had difficult time drinking and whoring out. My mother always had enough money to show off gold and jewelry in shoddy marriages and all her energy was devoted to her mother’s house and relationship with her brothers and sisters. My father being ambitious reluctantly followed the suit. He kept abusing his in-laws and yet all he wanted was their respect because they were mostly class two government servants.
10. Wednesday is 100. Mercury is Thoth the Alchemist. The white wing and Heather divine feather.
11. One of the tenants was named Ishvara Singh. He worked in the police department. His younger son who has visited us couple of times in last few months was a funny and energetic chap in his childhood.
My sibling had developed a formula to cope with my whimsical father’s wrath as he arrived. Being a Virgo Sun my father had a critical eye on household while he himself did little more than beating my mother after getting drunk. I used to see if buckets were filled as he needed to use water to wash himself up after having whored himself out to feudal lords of the region. He was suspicious of my mother’s character and I don’t know when exactly it happened but many demons were using his body as he used to talk about divorcing her very often. Buy it didn’t happen.
My brother used to recite whole chapter of civics as soon as he heard father’s scooter reaching while I used to work. The youngest sibling used to go out for emptying his bowels whenever there was a critical emergency and it was never understood why dead couldn’t recognise my siblings’ repeated recital of only one chapter. He had memorized it so well that he didn’t need notebook. No matter which game we were playing or where we were he started chanting as soon as he heard the scooter sound and lighting and behold he was immediately out of the danger. A protective charm he had developed. He also might have shield for us. He also played a key role in persuading my father to give up on alcohol. But strange: he continued using marijuana, tobacco and smoking and they all attacked me together when I was found using a little of marijuana.
12. Shubham or Shivam was the name. This son of the aforementioned tenant was akin to my brother a smart chap. His mother was illiterate. Whenever she got irritated with him and his siblings and ran after him with a cone or stick or broom, to beat him up, he used to run towards the roof on the stairs. They were 16. They are still 16, after 20 years. On step number 4 or 5 – with any book he could get his hands upon to support his act; he used to yell with his lungs full–
” My parents are great,
They don’t mock anyone,
They jump on the train as soon as they see it,
And they don’t quarrel.”
Holy mother of Vows@@@@
It was to make me dumbfounded, astounding dingo goading grounded without luggage. That guy was a raw genius!@@#$-&+*-
What in the names of heavens was he chanting~ And why did it work~
13. Usha Utthu sang a song Didi…Didi. And I used it to pull the leg of his younger sister named did. Oxymoron. Onion oncology gyrations.
14. The only Delhi girl whom I half-heartedly proposed for I knew it wasn’t going to happen and she was semi sincere didn’t take any of my calls until I called her a record 34 times. To say- don’t be so serious. I was kidding . I have done that with two other boys. I might have married you if you had a house in Delhi plus John Abraham body plus a dead who was a magistrate as well as dead plus adventurous spirit to drive 6 hours overnight to just meet me plus discotheque voolibah minus Jalaluddin Rumi plus limousine plus ability to handle my poor spirit etcetera. She knew — I was using her for improving my scribbling practice.
Anyways- one of the colleagues lost his father. We went to see him off to the Chennai International Airport. Early morning– I saw Usha Utthu with her friend. And Didi didi badi khusi hoi… This guy used to call those girls 56 times. It was then when they told it to me– I realized how big vast the world and how desperate I might have seemed in my pursuit of obsessive compulsive scribbling spamming and flooding in the name of holy Dr. Win Wenger Phd.
Time taken- 1H 33 Minutes.
Dancing light of grace 