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Puneet Saxena

What is one word that describes you?

  1. When I was a friend of Brijgopal and Rakesh, I used to see Puneet as a carefree young boy in our class.
  2. Rakesh left the group and Puneet joined it.
  3. We used to roam around carefree. Unit tests in Maria Mata Convent School Chhatarpur were both a blessing and a curse. I had scored three marks out of twenty five, he had scored zero. Miss Anuja Rathore punished us both with a bamboo stick on palms of our hands.
  4. Puneet moved on when I joined Kuldeep Shukla to help improve my scores on unit tests.
  5. Puneet was well built, athletic and later developed fondness for memorizing entire songs like “Aati kyaa khandaala.” Had amazing memory which he seldom employed to memorize lessons.
  6. We used to play a rugby like tournament during breaks. Teams were fond of having Puneet on their sides because such players ensured victory. The game was a superhit.
  7. I was trying to develop a martial arts school which was obviously super flop because we had to wash our school dress, not just Rugby but also fights between giants like Avadhesh and Puneet used to render our shirts torn. We were not well respected at our homes.
  8. He never liked his nick name given to him by our maths teacher “Punnee-laal Parathe Waale” as he frequently used to bring paraathe in his tiffin.
  9. There was an author named Padumlaal Punnalaal Bakshi in our syllabus, therefore some of our classmates used to annoy him with such names.
  10. When we met decades afterwards during COVID years: he again insisted on how annoyed he was with such nicknames. His actual nickname was Robbie.
  11. He used to fervently tell about how he used to burn RGPV copies when review requests used to come. He wasn’t fond of making money. He said he loved his friends but he wasn’t fond of listening to advise. He had a big ego and he was an achiever too.
  12. I still remember how he came to my house once after school bells with other friends to collect a notebook. Notebook belonged to a girl. The notebooks were cross distributed by our maths teacher who wanted to promote Mohabattein in a monastery.
  13. Puneet, along with Avadhesh and Abhishek ( Rajpoot) ensured that I wasn’t focussing on studies. They used to create nuisances all the times.
  14. When Puneet met me during COVID we discussed eschatology. His house was one of the first few houses in that colony when we used to play during childhood. He showcased some strange device in 2021-22 to me, some hidden project he was working on. Needless to say the project was way ahead of my understanding of technology at that time.
  15. Yesterday I heard that Puneet is no more.
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Morning Run!

1. 40 balls. 8 hits on target.

2. Read newspaper on app. Strangely: all news in this town and around is either about accidents or Lodhi community. And accident signboard has an exclamation mark, like my posts do. Not just one post. It’s entire journalism community of Dainik Bhaskar mocking the prevention of accidents, pedestrians getting killed by bikers. Can it be published selectively? Yes. Can events be executed selectively? You will be surprised.

3. I recalled my match with Abhishek Rajput when we were in school. He used to blackmail me as I had told him my secret. The secret was my fondness for one of my classmates. She was also fond of me for a while she stayed. It wasn’t one sided. I was a nerd. Four or five of them took an oath but then they broke it. He kept using me for assignments and so on. Then one day Abhishek Narayana Sinha went to principal’s office to free me. I don’t know if he really did. He returned with the word from principal’s office:

” Everyone is god’s child, love each other!”

It was a relief.

It all occured in classes between fourth and fifth. We were nine or ten years old.

It was the same school where we used to take this pledge every morning:

“India is my country and all indians are my brothers and sisters.”

All of them married to their sisters and brothers. So will Abhishek. We are all incestuous since the beginning of Adam and Eve.

Once he challenged me for a one-on-one match and I began chanting mantras as I had heard my father chanting. When the match happened: you know who won. It was me. Then again it happened with Mayank Shukla.

The same trait was present in Ankur Tripathi. I was fond of Sanat Jayasurya. He was an explosive opener after 1996 world cup. We were both watching a match when he began beating Shrinath and Prasad: Ankur entered pooja room in his house with rosary beads and the result was Jayasurya getting out on his leg side by Prasad. I called him out of the room. We were fanatics. Hero worship.

It came to my mind as I was bowling this morning. Abhishek went on to become the most educated person in our batch. Despite all odds. I understood value of a post doctoral thesis only after coming in contact with Devika and company. Prior to that I used to consider doctorates to be awarded as favor by college authorities.

Dravid said in an interview that he wanted to pursue doctoral thesis. Later he was conferred those honorifics by some university and it seemed he veered away from his initial goals. Don’t we all?

4. The poha stall guy went for getting change for 500 rupees. The girl disappeared soon. The boys came to check if samose were hot. Old thread with samose. I was doing my job and they were doing theirs. It was Arya, the poster girl outside Ratan Palace yesterday. I recalled it later. She must have put earnest work to reach where she’s. Like Dhaniram who came with another getup and fancy dress. He came the way I had imagined him : once he met me on way with calendars in his hands. It’s second time he asked for poha. He took only a bit.

5. There were people running inside stadium. The stadium is locked. Even girls were allowed. This is the country where Truth wins in the end! Happy Shabbath! Gesture by bikers outside NCC office.

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I wanted it to be an artwork but…

1. Layers:

I went to find her. To teach. I was feeble when I saw the cat. It seemed as if she had become a large cat. I looked into its hypnotic eyes. Egyptian mysteries.

2. Dialogue

I didn’t have courage to search for her because if she was willing to study she would have been available on time. They had left when I was in dire need of money. Later as I mentioned it to two boys I was given 1000 rupees. At the same time Vaibhav said he no longer wanted me to teach him. Traps working together.

The president of trust comes facing East. There’s someone inside kitchen: invisible. I assume it to be her.

” I went there, to fill water;” the president says.

The president can’t fill water. He’s weak. But he’s the president. An Aryan.

It’s the Egyptian goddess.

3. Axe:

I sit before her. I appreciate our tryst and feel it was signed by her because it was the goddess who wrote it. I see the axe beside me. The coconut water: sacrifice. A card. I understand marriage in the truest sense that day.

I see another axe today. I see another ball today.

4. Ball

They were sowing fields and I was meditating. I find a ball near the boundary wall and give it to one of them. Later as I sit in the healing room: the lady feels that I am playing and not serious about the process.

Later his husband appears to complete the story: a nath kid complains about having lost bat and ball to Deewan. The Bhandari department. The husband tells: your documents are with them. You can’t be admitted to this school.

5. Wells

A well being cleansed. Bats. Tonnes of them. I was surprised to see purity of water increasing in my presence. A celebrity dies meanwhile. A platform built by him is place where I meditated for a while.

Another well gets an electric connection. It has been a running mystic thread for a while. I sat for meditation there. I took pictures there. Now it’s about leaves: mango and bananas. North and South. Aryans and Dravidians.

6. The president is Aryan. The secretary is Dravidian. The secretary came just an year before I arrived. Bhandaari, Sansaari and Deewaan.

7. Sansaari is ancient. Local. The president is ancient. Local. Bhandaari is ancient. Local. The deewaan is foreign. Egyptian mysteries.

8. Who employed him?

Is it the Deewan?

No. And yes.

Is it the Librarian? No and yes.

Is it the Sansaari?

No. No. No. Sansaari is tobacco connection.

Clearly tells: I wanted to bind you into an agreement.

I clearly tell him:……..

The social reformer?

The book reader?

The revolutionary?

The witness?

Which version is truest?

What does it mean to take electric current from the second well?

She dreamed of a white snake inside eastern well. The place where my bike got trapped in earth.

The questions without answers. It’s the dark path.

After six years:

I am getting 1000 as pocket money. Maybe 1500. If I continue to slave myself for government, maafia, Sansaari, Bhandaari and Deewaan.

Dogs on every street. Gutka shakers and random colors fighting for skeletons and a few crumbs of bread.

I had brown bread after a long time. I spent an hour with Ramona: searching for brown bread in Bangalore. I was in hospital with her when she fell ill. She could have managed on her own. Later her mother and aunt came. They gave us black coffee. Tonnes of it which was bitter. I couldn’t drink it. Culture.

There were 11 bengali people in my training batch. They used to say: “you look like a Bengali.” I never felt home anywhere. Always an outsider. Always a foreigner. Why so Sirius?

9. After the fucked up Egyptian mysteries: some clarity:

A man talks about rock. After Dhaniram.

James shares a poem he wrote in 2007, talking about no longer being a rock.

Mahaveera: the 24th teerthankara was a rock. I understand that language very well because of my conditioning.

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Memoirs!

1. A woman from Gulganj: she was wearing footwears which had “Sony” written on it. She came looking inside the library, then went to Damayanti madam. Then she came again towards the library door. I cordially invited her inside and she was covering her face with the pallu of her saari. I stood up and went to her trying to hear her speak. She removed the cover from her face and said:

“uncle, would you give me 20 rupees, I need to eat something.”

I immediately said ‘yes.’

As I was giving her money she bursted out in tears: “I needed to go to Gulganj but I lost my money.”

I asked her to sit on the bench where Subhash sat with me. He was also from Gulganj. Then I gave her ten more rupees. And I asked her why she was crying. She told that her left feet had some problem and she needed to go to doctor but dropped her money. I let her speak until Damayanti madam came.

She gave me twenty rupees and four rotis to the lady. The lady refused to take rotis. Then she asked for water and we showed her the tap.

She was asked to stay in the premise and work but she said she needed to go to her village and take permission from her employer first.

2. I came back inside the hall of Gnosis. Shri wrote three descriptive paragraphs after much pursuation. I had to dance before her on Ketchup song for a moment. I recalled how I danced before. Bolero. My dance in public is like kindergarten students who stand on dias for the first time. Their parents and relatives are happy to merely witness them dance.

3. I once donated my plasma to my manager’s father while I was working in Manyata embassy business park, in Bangalore. He was from Orissa his name was Mani. Damayanti madam is also from Katak, Orisaa. I wanted to join some ashrama in Vrindavan when I reached there and it was Jagannath Ghat, the Gyan Gudri premise where Gyaan Prakash Sharma was the head. The idol was brought from Jagannath Puri, Orisaa. The lady who used to do Kirtan just outside the Jagannath temple: I used to fan her when she used to feel heat and power was cut. She was from Orissa and ate only rice. The head priest once told me that she steals money from the donated amount. It seemed she did take money from one plate as I went inside the temple to fetch charnamrit for her. I was not sure. I never said anything to anyone.

4. When I first came to Gandhi Smarak Bhavan: it was after having taken a dip in Narmadeshwar pond. I had a cut in my right foot’s thumb because of some glass shard that was thrown in the pond. I entered and sat under the banyan tree and cried. Vandana had asked me to go over there. It had rained and Chaurasiya ji had helped cleanse the sever line outside the house we live in. I had watched the big lizard in dream. It was Santosh. I saw that near Pranavananda Research Institute: bullet was fired on me and I was scared. Later: a bullet was fired as I was returning. It was fired at 12:00 and I left at 11:30 AM. Didi who works in kitchen was witness to it. Later a police officer came and we had a discussion about the incident. The creative programs by Gandhiji was the book shown by Ankit to the policeman when he asked about the fundamentals of the institute. Another bullet fired when I was walking in the stadium on the day president of Venezuela was attacked on stage.

5. The wells were cleansed. It was seen that many bats had been living in the well and water had smell. I drank that water for many days like Vidyarthiji. She always offered me food or mangoes when it was season but I knew it wasn’t for mere food but for mental food of knowledge that I had reached that place. Ankit fed me for the first time as mother of Devendra happily witnessed.

6. I witnessed harvesting, sowing of seeds and birds. I walked and meditated and occasionally some goat owners came to alarm me.

7. This is what heaven feels like: a quiet corner for couple of hours. Mozart to listen on full stomach. Words to read and write. Stories and memories to create and a grateful heart. Subhash was helped like me. I saw her giving chocolate chips to him.

8. Nobody wins or looses in this game of love. Yeh to ghar hai prem ka khaala ka ghar naahi.

9. The lady called me ‘uncle.’ “God’s not your uncle;” is a Jewish saying.

10. Shweta came asking about brother. The brother came talking about a cow. A pregnant cow because it had eaten an apple or a banana. Kela uncle. Kerala uncle. Dark humor. Dark children of darkness. Such is the law.

11. Banana has potassium. Banana in Hindi means to make fool. Dormamu.

12. The mouth covering: masks are personalities. Bodies are souls in the anhad. Limitless. The last letter of Hindi alphabet is Gya for Gyani. Jnana liberates. Gyani wears masks to prevent insects from entering into mouth.

13. Mouth is the fire. Dragon. Priest. Brahspati and Vachaspati. Shukracharya. Shukadev.

14. The grand kingdom of God is too grand to be spoken of. I met Laotzu. He didn’t need any salutations. Today there were very few people on my way. I enjoyed sitting under a tree looking at Northern vast effulgence of Grace.

15. Narada. Nanak. Kabir. Meera. Aandal and Vallalar: they all sang her praises and merged into her via Sanmaargam.

16. In the Markandeya narrative: the baby Krishna : baal mukund absorbs the sage. It’s matrix created by Narayana. The sage who is a tapasvin. The Mahadev liberates him. The third one. The holy ghost. The lord of mukti. The primeval Civan.

17. Yashoda watches him eat earth. Looks into his mouth to see entire cosmic egg inside his mouth. She swoons.

18. To keep your mouth covered means: to be muni. to be mauni. to be a tapasvin. Else you eat the sages like Markandeya unless they are liberated by Mahadev.

19. Corona is a religion. I knew better than that. If that were true: Islam wants women only to cover their face because they’re Krishna or Baal. They consume men.

20. Corona might be Karuna. Maitreya incarnated. In form of a consciousness. A Kalki Avatar.

21. Satya Sai Baba used to manifest Shivalinga inside his body. Yet he died. Vallalar vanished with a fragrance of camphor. Satyanarayan Raju. Ramalinga Swamikal.

22. Sujatha: I was in a village called Taparian. It means : a collection of huts or tapas of Aryans. I was reading stories. The box came in 1991. Ah my delight! Near the Shiva temple: on its wall. I used to read stories of Sinbad the sailor. Encyclopedia. Gopi gavaiya. Yama and Nachiketa. I read the word ‘moksha’ in that book for the first time. I wrote an article on James Harbeck’s blog as a guest post. He’s not a friend but certainly a fellow blogger worth being reckoned as he’s a freelancer who lives in Canadian heaven.

One of the stories: an elephant used to come to the girl Sujatha. She used to talk to her. Villagers considered him to be a mad elephant and drove him away. I had a strange affinity for the story. I developed instantaneous love for Sujatha while reading the story.

Many eons later: Saarthak’s mother was the only one I could talk to. She so deeply reminded me of Sujatha. I was the elephant. Baba Ramdev riding the elephant in Raman Reti, Vrindavan : completed the story. Now that I am secure: I can create stories. Embellishments. I saw the hugging saint Ammachi of Kerala in her. When I was quarreling with her for mere fifty rupees as her son had disappeared without notice: I knew no shame. The lady in kitchen made me feel comfortable by criticising her.

23. Sometimes it seems: the old narratives need to be replaced by new ones. We are carriers of old stories. But the narratives in which gender benders were set were not to challenge a modern mind. Sanskrit verses were created beautifully. In an environment which was green. To carry your parents might mean: to have their memories with a grateful heart and not necessarily to have them only in the nuptial chamber.

24. In the opening passage of Bhaas’ play: Karnabhaar: he talks about Asura bal being killed by Vishnu. Balram also means a force or juggernaut. Ram and Balram. Black and White. Darkness and Light.

25. In Dhubela museum which is near Nowgong: the list of avatars of Vishnu has Ram as 7th and Balram as 8th. Balram and not Krishna. Balram is Baal. Raam is Baal. God of fertility.

26. D & G: dog. Hounds of Shiva. Nayanmars. The only ones who vanished into thin air. The jnana Siddhars. Patanjali. Kapil. Vyaghrapada. A mongoose was trying to enter the library. It only came inside for a moment before it disappeared.

27. Adidas: servants of the primeval lord Adi. Adinath. Rishabh.

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White Path Was Not Always White! Ethereal shrine in Thillai!

1. After the initiation in Delhi: I was investigating mandalas. I was given two names at the moments of most severe headache and suffering. It was almost when I was delirious: first one was Vaibhav Choubey Galla Mandi, Chattarpur. Second was: Subhash Ahirvaar who used to visit the Gandhi smarak bhavan. Why were they special? Because the transition was unique and much needed. Family members or memes in form of popular politicians, friends or neighbours were tainted. But these people, the new ones had least amount of dirt and they signified my perfection in terms of being aware of transition between realms.

2. When the curtain was lifted: there was no sweetheart. I had many coconuts abound. I had spent time in search of perfect enlightenment for many eons. Was Ramalinga the Vallalar an adept, like Patanjali or Shakyamuni or was it merely a myth like Vaasudev Shri Krishna and Narayana the sage? I had spent many rounds merely deciphering lingo of Bundelkhand region comparing it to Hindi, Sanskrit and English words. Fractals, Teleportation and other technology remained mystery. Not more than what was available during childhood days in form of popular songs and videos was available. I learned to appreciate modesty. I learned to economize and to be charitable.