Memoirs!

1. A woman from Gulganj: she was wearing footwears which had “Sony” written on it. She came looking inside the library, then went to Damayanti madam. Then she came again towards the library door. I cordially invited her inside and she was covering her face with the pallu of her saari. I stood up and went to her trying to hear her speak. She removed the cover from her face and said:

“uncle, would you give me 20 rupees, I need to eat something.”

I immediately said ‘yes.’

As I was giving her money she bursted out in tears: “I needed to go to Gulganj but I lost my money.”

I asked her to sit on the bench where Subhash sat with me. He was also from Gulganj. Then I gave her ten more rupees. And I asked her why she was crying. She told that her left feet had some problem and she needed to go to doctor but dropped her money. I let her speak until Damayanti madam came.

She gave me twenty rupees and four rotis to the lady. The lady refused to take rotis. Then she asked for water and we showed her the tap.

She was asked to stay in the premise and work but she said she needed to go to her village and take permission from her employer first.

2. I came back inside the hall of Gnosis. Shri wrote three descriptive paragraphs after much pursuation. I had to dance before her on Ketchup song for a moment. I recalled how I danced before. Bolero. My dance in public is like kindergarten students who stand on dias for the first time. Their parents and relatives are happy to merely witness them dance.

3. I once donated my plasma to my manager’s father while I was working in Manyata embassy business park, in Bangalore. He was from Orissa his name was Mani. Damayanti madam is also from Katak, Orisaa. I wanted to join some ashrama in Vrindavan when I reached there and it was Jagannath Ghat, the Gyan Gudri premise where Gyaan Prakash Sharma was the head. The idol was brought from Jagannath Puri, Orisaa. The lady who used to do Kirtan just outside the Jagannath temple: I used to fan her when she used to feel heat and power was cut. She was from Orissa and ate only rice. The head priest once told me that she steals money from the donated amount. It seemed she did take money from one plate as I went inside the temple to fetch charnamrit for her. I was not sure. I never said anything to anyone.

4. When I first came to Gandhi Smarak Bhavan: it was after having taken a dip in Narmadeshwar pond. I had a cut in my right foot’s thumb because of some glass shard that was thrown in the pond. I entered and sat under the banyan tree and cried. Vandana had asked me to go over there. It had rained and Chaurasiya ji had helped cleanse the sever line outside the house we live in. I had watched the big lizard in dream. It was Santosh. I saw that near Pranavananda Research Institute: bullet was fired on me and I was scared. Later: a bullet was fired as I was returning. It was fired at 12:00 and I left at 11:30 AM. Didi who works in kitchen was witness to it. Later a police officer came and we had a discussion about the incident. The creative programs by Gandhiji was the book shown by Ankit to the policeman when he asked about the fundamentals of the institute. Another bullet fired when I was walking in the stadium on the day president of Venezuela was attacked on stage.

5. The wells were cleansed. It was seen that many bats had been living in the well and water had smell. I drank that water for many days like Vidyarthiji. She always offered me food or mangoes when it was season but I knew it wasn’t for mere food but for mental food of knowledge that I had reached that place. Ankit fed me for the first time as mother of Devendra happily witnessed.

6. I witnessed harvesting, sowing of seeds and birds. I walked and meditated and occasionally some goat owners came to alarm me.

7. This is what heaven feels like: a quiet corner for couple of hours. Mozart to listen on full stomach. Words to read and write. Stories and memories to create and a grateful heart. Subhash was helped like me. I saw her giving chocolate chips to him.

8. Nobody wins or looses in this game of love. Yeh to ghar hai prem ka khaala ka ghar naahi.

9. The lady called me ‘uncle.’ “God’s not your uncle;” is a Jewish saying.

10. Shweta came asking about brother. The brother came talking about a cow. A pregnant cow because it had eaten an apple or a banana. Kela uncle. Kerala uncle. Dark humor. Dark children of darkness. Such is the law.

11. Banana has potassium. Banana in Hindi means to make fool. Dormamu.

12. The mouth covering: masks are personalities. Bodies are souls in the anhad. Limitless. The last letter of Hindi alphabet is Gya for Gyani. Jnana liberates. Gyani wears masks to prevent insects from entering into mouth.

13. Mouth is the fire. Dragon. Priest. Brahspati and Vachaspati. Shukracharya. Shukadev.

14. The grand kingdom of God is too grand to be spoken of. I met Laotzu. He didn’t need any salutations. Today there were very few people on my way. I enjoyed sitting under a tree looking at Northern vast effulgence of Grace.

15. Narada. Nanak. Kabir. Meera. Aandal and Vallalar: they all sang her praises and merged into her via Sanmaargam.

16. In the Markandeya narrative: the baby Krishna : baal mukund absorbs the sage. It’s matrix created by Narayana. The sage who is a tapasvin. The Mahadev liberates him. The third one. The holy ghost. The lord of mukti. The primeval Civan.

17. Yashoda watches him eat earth. Looks into his mouth to see entire cosmic egg inside his mouth. She swoons.

18. To keep your mouth covered means: to be muni. to be mauni. to be a tapasvin. Else you eat the sages like Markandeya unless they are liberated by Mahadev.

19. Corona is a religion. I knew better than that. If that were true: Islam wants women only to cover their face because they’re Krishna or Baal. They consume men.

20. Corona might be Karuna. Maitreya incarnated. In form of a consciousness. A Kalki Avatar.

21. Satya Sai Baba used to manifest Shivalinga inside his body. Yet he died. Vallalar vanished with a fragrance of camphor. Satyanarayan Raju. Ramalinga Swamikal.

22. Sujatha: I was in a village called Taparian. It means : a collection of huts or tapas of Aryans. I was reading stories. The box came in 1991. Ah my delight! Near the Shiva temple: on its wall. I used to read stories of Sinbad the sailor. Encyclopedia. Gopi gavaiya. Yama and Nachiketa. I read the word ‘moksha’ in that book for the first time. I wrote an article on James Harbeck’s blog as a guest post. He’s not a friend but certainly a fellow blogger worth being reckoned as he’s a freelancer who lives in Canadian heaven.

One of the stories: an elephant used to come to the girl Sujatha. She used to talk to her. Villagers considered him to be a mad elephant and drove him away. I had a strange affinity for the story. I developed instantaneous love for Sujatha while reading the story.

Many eons later: Saarthak’s mother was the only one I could talk to. She so deeply reminded me of Sujatha. I was the elephant. Baba Ramdev riding the elephant in Raman Reti, Vrindavan : completed the story. Now that I am secure: I can create stories. Embellishments. I saw the hugging saint Ammachi of Kerala in her. When I was quarreling with her for mere fifty rupees as her son had disappeared without notice: I knew no shame. The lady in kitchen made me feel comfortable by criticising her.

23. Sometimes it seems: the old narratives need to be replaced by new ones. We are carriers of old stories. But the narratives in which gender benders were set were not to challenge a modern mind. Sanskrit verses were created beautifully. In an environment which was green. To carry your parents might mean: to have their memories with a grateful heart and not necessarily to have them only in the nuptial chamber.

24. In the opening passage of Bhaas’ play: Karnabhaar: he talks about Asura bal being killed by Vishnu. Balram also means a force or juggernaut. Ram and Balram. Black and White. Darkness and Light.

25. In Dhubela museum which is near Nowgong: the list of avatars of Vishnu has Ram as 7th and Balram as 8th. Balram and not Krishna. Balram is Baal. Raam is Baal. God of fertility.

26. D & G: dog. Hounds of Shiva. Nayanmars. The only ones who vanished into thin air. The jnana Siddhars. Patanjali. Kapil. Vyaghrapada. A mongoose was trying to enter the library. It only came inside for a moment before it disappeared.

27. Adidas: servants of the primeval lord Adi. Adinath. Rishabh.


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