1. Borrowing leads to more borrowing. Ideally I should have learnt the alchemy by now: I would have been a wealthy man. Practically: I am going to borrow another two hundred for the internet recharge. I took an advance from my employer who enquired about our progress in studies. It’s not the first time she used “addiction” for my reading habits. It does seem flattering but truth is: I am far behind than I should have been. I told her about Shri’s progress in Hindi and English.
Dhaniram at the Horse Square!
2. We did some catching practice as she was bored of the play written by Sanskrit playwright Bhasa. It was written many centuries ago. It was based on the popular event in which Duryodhana the king of Kauravas who were dark half of Mahabharata was ruling the country and the bright half was in the exile yearning for five villages or half of the kingdom as per their right. Vaasudev comes as a messenger.
3. The students were quicker than me in Sanskrit. I was drowsy when they knocked. We had a nice time reading some verses and doing some practice.
4. Dhaniram was sitting at horse square. I took the picture. I also observed a Bramhani lizard just outside the stadium: it tried to run towards my feet.
Courtesy: Bramhani
5. This picture was taken outside the Narasimha temple:
1. It’s no nonsense: a traffic police guy carrying a black pipe was standing near Chhatrasal’s Horse: maybe because of the Friday market. It was an easy passage inside the street which leads to Gandhi Smarak Bhavan. Usually there are so many unemployed labourers that the passage is blocked. I saw and saluted the librarian who was wearing a mask today. Then I saw one gentleman who I thought would pass silently as he was on a bike but drew my attention and we greeted eachother. Since he’s a rich guy and he once reported of couple of deaths which were not reported later on in the newspapers: I really wonder if I am getting undue attention. Society and people are strange. It works on strange and complex principles.
2. In the class: there was no power. A battery driven lamp helped me play vocabulary jams as he was writing. His parents are careless. They couldn’t buy a new notebook for him in the last four days though he needs it. Perhaps they have no money. The room is stuffed with things and he has no notebook. I merely keep correcting his Bundelkhandi to standard Hindi : he spits on my face as he speaks and hangs too close near chair. I was smarter when I was seven.
3. The guy who was in the batch junior to mine in Maria Mata Convent High School : seemed like he was approaching me. Then he dropped a cigarette pack as he was looking for something in his left pocket. I really don’t know if it was an insinuation or a sign of nervousness. Maybe he works for the secret police. He walks with a slight bend in his spine and looks dull though his demeanor suggests that he’s a nice guy. I saw a police car standing outside the clinic just before the Gandhi Smarak Bhavan. As bespectacled guy had vicariously saluted me because he wanted me to salute when on bike with his son: or so I thought: similarly the man said something about new arrangement to the man in the police car. It’s mostly weekdays and timings and my neurosis which leads to strange stories. Then I saw her in a strange place. I had masonic Pulav for which I only have respect as it energizes me and reminds me to keep working on Free Rice: for I don’t know any other means to help alleviate the hunger of others.
4. The center of the stadium has an “H” made with white powder. There’s a circle around it. A booth nearby and entire thing covered with another circle of rods which are there since three to four days. It’s related to elections but the sign looks more like a crop circle and the booth seems to represent a scenario like Phone Booth. I could bowl 50 times. It was easy. Mainly the pitch.
1. 405 views and 27 visitors. Unforeseen unprecedented. It was the peak performance of my Google Blogger blog in the year 2012 when I wrote some posts about dollar bill being illuminati conspiratorial pyramidal symbolic binding note.
2. I don’t know if it was the romantic failures post but it’s certainly connected to blogger’s World.
3. If I knew what creates 405 views : I might repeat that kind of behaviour but I don’t. It’s HUGE in terms of WordPress.
4. It might make me rich if I can keep it up and learn to monetize this blog.
5. I am unable to decide if I should play vocabulary quiz or watch Supernatural finale.
6. I was drowsy when I reached stadium. Most of the buses have gone. I had a walk with a friend and we enjoyed a chat.
1. Since Piyush went to his village with his mom: I was left with extra couple of hours. I tried playing vocabulary jams but my getting first or second ranks consistently as there were only 12 to 13 players on most of them made me bored.
2. I decided to watch a science fiction movie. I put the phone to charge and got some rest. As I was taking rest I thought about finding my romantic thread and publishing it here. It’s a story which makes me wiser everytime I write it. It’s made of delusions.
3. Now I can say: I created this blog to anonymously continue to publish things which were not related to previous blogs. Soon I gained enough confidence to integrate it with previous blogs.
4. Gaslighting reached to an extent in my life that offline and online was same. People mostly disliked me or they had a very odd way of expressing their fondness : I am infamous. Despite being humble as far as my possessions and income are concerned.
5. Police, shamans, tantrikis and healers know me the most though not in that very order. Secret police is always after me.
6. I can say: Gandhi took at least sixty years of his life to reach a clarity where he could publish about his most private affairs: like sleeping with his grandniece as an experiment for his celibacy (citation Wikipedia) : not that it was liked by his closest staff members. Not that it was really a success but mere admission was an accomplishment in an indian subcontinental setting.
7. I achieved that by the age of 35. And I understand that Gandhi was very popular. I am not as popular. Perhaps I am known only to a fraction of number of people who knew Gandhi : yet I think there was no indian with a greater courage to admit one’s foibles. To clarify: I didn’t sleep with any grandniece or niece or such but I was able to publish online most of my private life without hesitation.
8. I think Buddha’s four noble truths: like the four noble truths in Jainism emphasize on “admission of problem” in the first step. Admission of guilt or shame or confessions is important. The first step to solve a problem is to recognise the problem.
9. Albert Einstein said that he would take 55 minutes to find the problem : its root and then only 5 minutes will be enough to solve it. If an hour is given to solve a problem : which approach is better than it?
10. Confessions; as in Christianity and the first noble truths in Jainism as well as Buddhism are regarding nature of problems: psychoanalysis emerges from it.
11. One fundamental problem is: religion is based on a foundation of there being more life, goodness, light and positivity than negativity. Is that true? That’s upto you to decide. Same with Science.
12. When I was depressed: I kept an online journal on my laptop. There: some hackers caught hold of it and took me to a shaming room merely to make me feel guilty. In the long run they all failed. I came out stronger and healthier. I can say: I did a good thing but: you shouldn’t do it unless you’re hundred percent sure: and you can never be. Jean Jacques Rousseau to Gandhi to Tolstoy there have been countless thinkers who published about their character. It’s putting yourself in the hands of angels and demons. I assumed: since they were hackers they must be wise enough to understand that all religions are make believe dreams. They have their values but not any ultimate value.
13. Now: coming back to the thread of romance as it’s Autumn. I am a bachelor. I never married nor am I planning to get married. Moreover: I never had any sexual intercourse in my life. I produced no offsprings nor do I plan to produce any.
14. I did have some hanky-panky but it was once when I was too young: seven years old: must be angels or demons experimenting on poor kids. Second it was when I was working: I thought an obese girl could become a supermodel by the power of love. I was wrong. I invited much negativity later on and suffered which wasn’t directly related to hanky panky but the parting girl said: “you used me.” I told her:” we both used each other; don’t mislead the narrative.” Which version of narrative remained with her out of our dillydallying is not known to me.
15. It took me ten years to regain my fitness. My family members had left me penniless to imagine of any romance. I could only romance with sweepers, maid servants, grandmothers and like. Romancing essentially means: taking your loved ones to dinner etcetera and then to bed. I couldn’t afford any of that. Romance was dead for me. What remained was: watching porn and chatting with girls or women who were either a scam or bots. That also consumes energy but teaches you faster about Nirvana.
16. Online affairs were later: after my awakening: therefore they merely sounded like “forced creation of narratives by multiple parties.”
17. One peculiar nature of these affairs was their resurgence: despite there being no hope they kept coming back. Love was always there. It was romantic love I was talking about. It became a stronger and stronger yearning towards reality or godhead but it had many affairs.
18. In witness sense: it was Mara’s net. In a positive sense: it was my way out of depression.
19. I kept reading some poets: realizing that I could neither be loyal to any one of them nor I was seeking any commitment. I realized after a while that they were mostly looking for people who might inspire their verses on which they might make money by selling books.
20. I was too cut-off from money making business because I had signed up for spiritual stuff which advocated minimalism. It became too much after a point when I realised that spiritual and material were not that far removed from each other and being too much of a minimalist wasn’t possible with the people I was living with. They didn’t value renunciates.
22. I would marry someone who is: absolutely attractive, absolutely intelligent, absolutely absolute, an equal to me in every aspect but not more than me. Someone who can put all noises, ghosts, hungry people and magicians and goblins to silence forever. Only two of us dedicated to each other without any progenies or world. No deformation, no decay, no death or aging. Unless that’s a given: I need no romance or marriage. Jerking off to Korean, Chinese, Spanish porn is excellent! As long as that’s feasible. I might write an article convincing you about the merits of porn. It’s already exalted in Indian temples and scriptures. Why not admit it clearly. I was contemplating whether to write a long article about my porn history or my romantic failures. I chose the latter.
23. With this current demigod status: marriage is impossible for me. Even a decent romance needs me to be at least as rich as a Bill Gates. That’s also next to impossible. And think about it: to earn wealth to realize that you haven’t conqured aging, decay and diseases like Vallalar or other Jnana Siddhars did: it’s better to seek that completely rather than to search for a romance which is mostly : obese girls trying to sell their novels(or books of poetry) or someone taking pity on you.
24. Online romance: I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw Izza Ifzaal writing verses on my private life. Whether it was a synchronicity or a delusion or dark net or her clairvoyance: it created temporary romance which I couldn’t afford to. Then I found many people writing about me or trying to attract my attention one way or the other. Some clearly admitted that I was an inspiration for their articles. That made me feel important like never before! Things haven’t changed in five years. I am only more aware of traps : booby or otherwise: then Kristina, Shine Ferrer, Devika, Nandita, Sameera, Rishuu, smouldering words: they all seemed to use either my gullible nature or something else to make me believe that there was some romance somewhere. Devika’s case was most strange : not because I merely wanted it to be: Shine Ferrer chatting with me on Facebook talked about her while I was reading Izza Ifzaal and I clearly told her that she was out of my league. But as a mystery worth being searched : I tried my best to investigate and found that she was also looking to make a living off of me like rest of them: like my parents and siblings. She along with Varjak Baby taught me some lessons about being selfish.
25. That sums up honorable mentions online. Offline it was: Swati in college who was a delusion as per my friends. Monika and Richa are happily married and they’re as happily married as Ravneet is. These are real names. I spent considerable time with those two because Saurabh was involved. Saurabh the Vyasa had incarnated to teach me a lesson or two. He’s happily married too.
26. The school life had co-ed but nuns of Christ were too harsh to allow you any romance. Rest of it was covered by my parents. They still take sexual potency pills but ensured that their children had no romance in their lives.
27. There used to be flying planes with notes on them: love notes. That was the extent of romance. Being a nerd helped as long as you performed. In my brief corporate life: the seniors always had more lucrative packages. As told before: the design by archons here is to make more and more healthy males to fight for a handful of girls. Win the trophies. By my reckoning: I see at least two hundred males per single beautiful girl and twenty to twenty five males per mediocre girls.
28. Ranjana had asthma. She worked out in gym and married to a Sikh who worked hard to build his body. They had both settled in USA. I didn’t find her to be attractive. She was from Bengal and Bihar. She was educated and we shared a lot of time with each other as co-workers. She told me that IAS officers in Bihar were willing to marry her. I couldn’t believe my eyes. That’s the kind of society we have made. It’s a pity. Perhaps it was always like this: a make-believe. I am happy that I was saved. I was made a demigod and in time I might gain pure body of gnosis and bliss.
29. If anyone: whose names are given in this article feel offended: let me know in the comments and their names would be removed. If they want to sue me: I am already penniless : merely getting my day-to-day food by teaching tuitions which are hard to come by despite my being a demigod. If you are still interested in taking revenge: let me know when you are going to strike.
I just raised 68000 grains of rice on Freerice! For every answer you get right, 5 grains go to the UN World Food Programme. Play it here: https://freerice.com/apps
1. Ashutosh Thakur, son of upper collector, Tikamgarh is jobless. He did B. Lib. and M. Lib. from Hari Singh Gaur University Sagar. It was in 2016. Since then he applied to many colleges in Chhatarpur and Nowgong but only met rejection everywhere. He works at a cyber cafe with a meagre income of three hundred rupees per month. His body didn’t show any signs of hardwork done physically. His eyes had dark circles and complexion was fair with enough hair on head and bushy eyebrows. It took me a few minutes to understand his need after he entered into library. Most libraries told him
“two librarians aren’t needed.” I thought he came to join library as a member and told him the procedure as well as fees.
2. Devendra came to say hello, disappeared and later appeared only to make me refuse invitation to his theatrical production of Vijay Tendulkar’s play :
“Jaat Hi Poochho Saadhu Ki.”
The title is contrary to Kabir’s popular saying. It seems to be a critique of social esteem given to monks and hierarchies. Devendra also teaches dance classes but there are no classes at present. I can’t afford to be among theatre people.
3. I was looking for the news in today’s newspaper. A murder. Piyush talked about it yesterday evening but it didn’t happen. It wasn’t reported.
4. The Haigo girl told me in advance that she won’t take classes after this month. It’s a blessing. She asked me to wait until the thirty first before, but now it’s evident. I felt a bit down for a while but then consolidated my strength as I have nothing to lose.
5. I borrowed a hundred rupees from Vandana and told her that I would give them back by the first of November. The secretary also said that I would get an advance if needed.
6. There are as many tutors as students. I hardly get any jobs. The only positive this morning was the bowling session: I bowled ten overs and played four to five jams where I scored top ranks.
7. I read a few passages from Nehru’s Discovery of India. It’s clear that his account of Kapil doesn’t match with Geetapress Gorakhpur’s version.
8. The madman who stays near Brijpura met me near Anjana Doodh Dairy. I asked him why he came so far. He told me it was for buying clothes: in his symbolic language. A cow was thirsty. I exercised my left arm a bit and tried to control myself by eating less than what is usual these days.
9. Vidyasagar Nautiyal, son of Narayan and Ratna was born near Tehri. His story “Maatiwaali” was read by my student. I could only focus on snippets. The refrain was:
” Is hunger sweeter or the food?”
I explained the class struggle in the poem. I told her about the dependent arising of sweetness. It’s dependent on meeting of hunger with food. Independently they have no sweetness. Sanskrit is a creative language whereas Hindi is an analytical language. Hinduism is an inclusive religion, Buddhism is an analytical philosophy. Jainism honoured classes in society and became almost integral with Hinduism which only objected perfect nonviolence. Buddhism couldn’t. Some ideas were inspired by Nehru’s comparison between Buddhism and Jainism.
I just raised 67000 grains of rice on Freerice! For every answer you get right, 5 grains go to the UN World Food Programme. Play it here: https://freerice.com/apps
1. I bowled a total of sixty balls over ten overs in the evening session with the new Mark signature tennis ball. (QRF—<1 Goal Unit)
2. It was the last conversation with Piyush before he goes on a journey to Delhi. After the unlock we have been spending time in stadium. We discussed philosophy and Tibetan Book of Dead along with fundamentals of various religions and mysteries.
3. I have to manage money for next ten days. It’s hardly enough to feed oneself decently. I have seen worse.
4. I played vocabulary quiz on vocabulary.com. Scores: 113212. My ranking has been better than usual. There were sixty to eighty participants per game. If I could score enough to be in the top three : I should be proud and continue to learn new words meticulously. My score on Free Rice site has also improved but I need to improve my accuracy.
I just raised 66000 grains of rice on Freerice! For every answer you get right, 5 grains go to the UN World Food Programme. Play it here: https://freerice.com/apps
1. Cherie (Rowland Lucas?) looks like a Saint. The post was about bullies. The last post on which I commented via Blogger’sWorld bridge: was about trolls. Trolls mean fishermen. Phishing is similar in sound. I explained her the meaning of cranes versus swans. The black swan.
2. Many pleasant things happened today. First and foremost: I got a new job which is to teach a kid I have taught twice before. The engagement couldn’t continue for more than one and a half or two months on previous occasions. Lessons learnt: the first time around I was working too hard. Fever took over me. The second time around: I was compassionate to Harijanas but they had no compassion to return. Mind you: they were all richer than me. To make meet ends I toiled. The third time around it was the core of mysterious: transmigration of soul and Egyptian mysteries revealed. How were the pyramids made? How was the Tajmahal made? How costly is it to buy a litre of milk everyday? How much does it cost to walk on your own? What does it mean to be a freelancer? How costly is a banana or a coconut water glass? Spiders. Cats. Bats. Parrots.
3. The poem had a strange title. It was written by one Kedarnath Aggrawal. The title was: Plum(ber) returning to Moon’s Eclipse. Plum is representative of evil people who are good looking. Lunar eclipse is, well, lunar eclipse. Coconut, as per the same Sanskrit dictum, represents good people. Coconut water under the bicycle tyre? Who are the onycophagists and where do they come from?
4. I thought it was written by her. It was indeed. By HER. But not her her. Ben hurr. Har har har. Spotify.
5. Then comes the book and the fasting and methodical dissolution. Aryan Cat was indeed big. Nonchalant. The overwrite: a rickshaw puller was giving directions to the car driver. It’s my own creation. It’s like updating the database. Virus Database has been updated. Dancing light of grace! Satyam Shivam Sundaram.
6. He was the best student but could never study for a month in the entire year of Corona. She was the best student and studied for about three or four months in the last two and half years. I reach to one conclusion: in the nature versus nurture: nurture has won so far. These two were born with previliges. Rest of my students were not upto the mark. Their parents came from low income strata or lower castes. I know from experience: it’s not a rule but so far I have taught about twenty students and these two were single children of their parents.
7. I read a book by Sudarshan. He’s Khalil Gibran of India who was discovered today.
8. That which has no beginning or end has no middle. The statement comes from IAmThat: by Nisargadatt/Maurice Frydman. This much for in betweens. But the Buddhist system is not for reaching to conclusions which are final. They are merely to create heaps of wisdom. Skandhas. Kartikeya is commander in chief of demigods. Dreams made of wisdom are divine and the boomerang goes back to one who threw it first: what was the name? Narayan. Vaasudev. Shiva. Buddha.
9. Asad was the name of the kid. He asked for the ball yesterday and today again. My tennis ball looks worn out. I need to buy a new one and yet: I can’t afford it until I get money for it. I asked his name and heard him say ‘Hasan.’ Then another boy came on a bike. I told him the same thing. His eyebrows were connected like those of Rohan’s, Shivani’s, Amit’s and mine.
10. I left the field in time. I had poha. I had bowled forty times. Yesterday evening it was eighty times. The new job offer which came via Shivani was cancelled. I had written the details on her notebook and I cancelled it. Fishes in aquarium except one black fish died.
11. My net worth: two hundred rupees. My monthly income: would be forteen hundred rupees : provided Shivani and Rohan’s parents can afford it after the thirty first. People below poverty line income earn about six thousand five hundred rupees per month: which means I am getting less than most poor people. Why? Why am I still in such a poor country? Middle class families give more pocket money than this to their high school kids. I was brought here from Vrindavan to be executed systematically. Who invented zero? Who discovered it.
12. What is North? North is a dimension full of answers. Right is South, left is North. Vaamdev. Vaammarga. Tantra. If you sit with your face towards North: East is right. East is past. If you sit with your face towards East: Right is Right and North is Wrong. So what is right and what is Wrong? If you sit with your face towards West: Amitabh asks: Who created Zero? Void. Then: Right is left. Tantra is right then. Left is South. Right is wrong then. The question arises: in the beginning was the darkness or light or were they both same? In the beginning was the word or the light? What’s North? North is a dimension full of answers.
1. I can’t follow your blog at present. Thanks for your presence and enthusiasm. It was after a long time spent on WordPress and Blogger : I realized that ‘a like for a like’ and ‘a follow for a follow’ takes too much toll on you in the long run. The blogging relationship remains ‘skin deep’ so to say.
2. Thanks for being interested in my blog and liking as many posts as you did: you yourself said that blogging shouldn’t be about the number of likes and followers. There are days when I don’t have enough money or energy to continue in my pursuit of bliss, peace, immortality and happiness: therefore I hope you would understand my moderation. I wish you all the very best.
Dancing light of grace 