1. What does the word “Kaudniya” mean?

2. I had a nice meal after an anxious yesterday.

3. This morning I played with Vaibhav for a while. Moreover: we got the opportunity to jump over the entrance gate: together: I had to jump to enter and to exit. Weaknesses: surrounding sounds. Slippery hands. Smartphones. Tight pants etc. Strengths: courage. Music. Stepwise process. Breathing. Not lingering on it.

4. In retrospect: Vaibhav got help from the jersey number ten: Rooney. He’s a representative of Chhatarpur district. Swati versus Saafi incident had him in the core. It’s psychic medium but if anyone reads: they will understand.

I used to walk fast during my college days. They nicknamed me “Rocket.” Once: the Physics class was in the new complex and all students needed to reach there. I walked fast and reached there first to avoid the noises which might now be musical: Akshat, Mayuri, Vivek, Haqiqat, Ankur, Hussain, Garima, Arpita, Pragya, Vyas, Yogesh, Rahul, Piyush, Mukesh, Arpit and Swati.

Swati found me in the new premise and asked with as real a sense of surprise as anyone can bring for a genuine miracle: “How did you reach here?” I didn’t answer because I thought she was making fun of my anxiety. I thought it was obvious that I walked fast.

A similar incident happened without a gender bias. The impressive law defying Rooney guy crossed me couple of times. He had bike, fair complexion and plenty of hairs. After finishing my morning poha I reached back to the kingdom of God, like a child, i.e. in the Cricket Academy: only to find him already inside. To jump over the door or to open it and to park bike or to use a secret passage: it all needed special privileges: or he knew a door which was like main entrance to the playground from the Western side. Look at the repurcussions: a policeman started beating an autowallah who was sleepy and probably hit his bike. He called one Mayank Tiwari who belongs to Maafia. I had a conversation with him and he enjoyed the whole event.

Did Swati really witness anything similar after our small rendezvous? I felt pride for a moment after my doubt had vanished. Later my knees suffered under intoxication. But did she suffer like I did for her naivete? She didn’t. And my wonder was mental whereas her amazement was expressed. Moreover: the foundation in the second event was porn. Khajuraho is popular for porn.

Vaibhav wanted to go to Mumbai to sell corn with me. He’s only fourteen but porn does rhyme with corn.

I am always the bearer of cross. I don’t want to be. I was courageous. Perhaps it’s an itch. I walked great distances and rode great pleateaus: went to watch Akshay Kumar’s “Waqt Hamara Hai” on a rented bicycle in Govardhan talkies alone when I was merely a boy. Vaibhav also ran away to Harpalpur to earn more Vaibhav. I ran away to accumulate more bliss but it was late. I was already twenty seven.

5. Umang discussed about Ghanshi. I think I have a clear answer. It was Rahul who first told me that grandmother masterbates before him. I had never seen her doing that but unfortunately she had lost her husband when she was still not forty five plus. Since then she kept preying on her children and grandchildren. I had seen her suffering from itch. Addicted to tobacco, mahua, ber and all that’s rotten: she kept enjoying herself. It was all bearable until I realized that I was trapped by my mother and grandmother even after having given up all of it in the year two thousand and fourteen. The clear answer is: Ghanshi found this house to have a great amount of sexual energy because three sons, one profligate Shilaajeet and two scorpion ladies were a perfect match. She barely moved a house or two for a while before settling here. Next: like Nayak ji who used to talk to me about how bad he felt about his house height being like Sudama’s hut compared to the duplex in which I used to live : he made a three stories house just to prove a point. The colony where so called Mamaji used to beat his Novel wife for she wanted to sing: he made a taunt to me once:” people are sleeping in other’s houses these days” : How dare he! He was living on rent. I was not paying rent. It was his wife who first approached me to consult on their horoscopes. I made no advances. I fed their hungry children who were malnutritioned. Just to prove a point he made another house in the vicinity. Countless trillions of Mahajanans and Thekedaars like these who are actually running prostitution rackets in the name of families hurt people who mean absolutely no harm. Ghanshi is a prostitute who doesn’t belong to any groups or maybe does; for I don’t have snitches. If this house really had excess of food: I wouldn’t have remained hungry and sleepless. It just has as much as nearby houses. Maybe less. Why this house Ghanshi? Because you are deprived of sex and we have plenty of Shilajeet. Kesar. Mooslee. Kundalini. What else do you need to hear Ashok? Or was it Harsh enough or Yashraj enough? Give me a minute.

6. People who physically abused me. To be beaten by military before Dabbu, Chitransh or Guddu or Antu’s mother for seemingly no reasons in the year twenty twenty, in April at an age of thirty five is nothing. Just one cane stroke. It wasn’t necessary: I was convinced that they were many. Dinesh Mishra and Ramcharan Vidyarthi were involved. Harijana misusing their rights? Yes, why not. I never knew what their schedules for working were. I was not even pariah. Pariah lived in communities. I was on my own.

I was given a punch in nose by Aditya’s elder brother NityaPrakash. Pintoo was the only son of Tiwari compounder who got so irritated that he held me by ears and lifted me up. Babloo abused me in other ways but was kinder than Pintoo. Tiwari ji was a saint but son had temper issues : they belonged to Banda. He was a tukka bowler.

Hingwasia’s son Sonu abused me verbally. I thought Tinku chacha would come to my rescue but he cleverly disowned me. Suddenly I was a neighbour : like in Umang’s father’s marriage when I expected to be in the family photo albums. Why did I even bother to travel so long: ten hours! Sonu committed suicide. Anchhi started beating me: being heavier than me as well as surrounded by many people whom he knew: Abhishek Rajput did come to my rescue but it was already late. I was not brutal: I was competitive: in that sense I could take on all three of Ankur, Romi and Ranu alone when the need arose but it was not out of malice. For when in physical contests I was outdone by Chhotu who uttered “Jai Kali Maa” or by Suresh who defeated me for a pouch of Gutka: I honestly accepted my defeat. I was beaten by Arun Dwivedi in one such contest when Babloo came to pick me up. I didn’t need anyone to pick me.

I was physically beaten and scolded by Pathak ji for taking dumps on his plot. I was sent there by my parents. Another policeman living on rent in Mishra’s garden asked me to pick my own faeces in a polythene. My parents had sent me to do that. Who was more cruel? Can they eat their faeces like Tailanga did?

I was beaten by a younger guy in a physical contest in stadium. He had a cow and used to drink milk. He was one of those guys who surface when you have found a Blogger’s World. Like Success Inspirer. It’s an endless chain of events woven by memories.

I created a Karate group and many children were beaten by many children before Deepu had blood coming out of his nose after Raanu’s round kick made him unconscious. Ankur was also beaten and cried before I asked them to stop. I was young but with unique inspiring skills and martial arts. I was beaten by a guy who was atleast three years elder. I almost died with pain: Town hall garden. Munir Hasan Shamsi Paradesi was in charge. I did feel that he was irresponsible by creating a match like that. I was the youngest of the lot.

In case of Ankur’s stomach getting a kick while i was careful: he complained that a whistle was in his stomach. His aunt and grandmother stopped talking to me. I stole their Cosco bat which was barely half and was already stolen from tribal welfare.

Maybe balance sheet will be shown some day: maybe I will be shown counting the number of butterflies killed with Romi. Romi killed less or I did? I don’t remember. I was very young. Young people don’t get trapped by sins(I was told) why then did the memories keep hurting? I was only ten or eleven. Hunting.

7. The prime reason I wrote this confessional or weak ideals post: I was feeling invincible after good workouts. I needed a balancing act. Maybe I outdid myself by being too negative in my description. Santosh Sharma might have beaten me instead of Kutti. I did quit his tuition despite his terror. I did feel that it was not his memory of elements table but rather terror which made students go to tuition. Manoj Choudhary was an eye opener. I found Vinod Vishwakarma to be a better teacher of organic chemistry: his son had speech disability. He lived near Masjid. Namrta Patil used to come in that batch. Ajita or her lookalike was present on the medical shop where Pappu bhaiya’s wife went to get changes for five hundred rupees. Ajita mocked me for not joining her in play in the Church: I was hesitant even yesterday for the sane reasons. Then once my acrobatics misfired because I was carrying load. I thanked Suyash who was buying momos for his sister. Suyash mostly buys for her but himself eats very little. He drinks a lot of water.