Is it or is it not?

I was on a highway. I kept walking until I reached a tea stall. Then, there appeared certain herukas. I kept walking further until I reached the Twilight Zone. The bird I saw there was the bird I had seen in a Twilight Zone episode. Everything started to change at home. It was revealed that I was in bondage since a long time. I worked for my liberation and I needed to work for it on a regular basis. It meant : being able to walk in a stadium, watching the dancing light of Grace, seeing the game of the balls, playing it and being an immortal. The undying Grace I gained didn’t fetch me a sound proof room. In the darkest hours of my last night I heard that chirping of Crickets. I had heard it before. I had heard the sound of flute and I longed to hear it again. She was gone. I had seen her wearing dark glasses. I knew it that she was one of them: part of their Network. We wrote songs together: despite knowing that it was all a setup. I believed for a while until I could no longer believe. All dreams that I had seen since 2012 when the vision of light created a ceremony were shown to me repeatedly and they were not exactly the way I had seen them. One of the guides who appeared when my head was exploding remained with me as a friend for a long time. A reminder of my early days of school. I always had this difficulty to differentiate between realms until I went on long journeys and witnessed the miracles of dancing light of Grace. I saw those lights flashing on in the wilderness: just as the northern lights flash in the hall of gnosis. Just like Michael Talbert told in his book. I witnessed fractals and kabbalistic mysteries unveiled one after another in quick succession. It’s true: despite having gained the undying Grace: I needed to go on journeys to better grasping what I had studied. The network worked in strangely mysterious ways. All religions had merged into this dancing light of Grace. All merits that I had performed could not at times fetch me a glass of water.

I was always living among the adepts. I recognized it only in 2003. The fear of death was gone in 2009. But certain fears remained. I kept suffering because of them. I understood Yoga and sacrifice. Trees, birds, crows, Kingfishers, owls, dogs, people and guides : they all appeared together. Could I enjoy all the undying bliss available to me? It all seemed to have a prize tag. I was in a bigger market than ever before. Even in the most free of my discussions mother said : we were advertising some God or the other: some Creed or the other. Now Hollywood, then Bollywood. Now Vishnu, then Shiva. Now Buddhism, then Islam. Now Christianity, then true path as told by Vallalar. Pariah meant outcast. The Tamil puranam was a history of people who didn’t fit into communities. What would I have been known for then? I kept changing names and kept learning words until I saw how divine power merely changed guises but kept exercising itself in one way or the other. I wanted to live among adepts and adepts were waiting for me to mature. I certainly didn’t have this crushing workaday frame in my mind when I imagined pure realms of Buddhaverses. Perhaps they were impure dreams shown to me by a system which was not mature enough to interpret the way. I saw an old man who didn’t need me to salute him. He was carrying a staff and resembled Laotzu. The name I heard from Rishi and Osho. He was the most comfortable guy in that village. He belonged to none of the factions. I recalled the aery mansions and I saw the interrelated dimensions in which all the Karma was burnt in the awareness of knowledge. Do I have free will or do I not? If I am absolutely free, why would I create fetters for myself? Why would I create dirt, ignorance and matter and wrap myself with it? Why would I be bound to a name or date of birth or a certain way of living or clothing? Maybe I know all the answers. Maybe there are no questions. Maybe balance establishes itself. Maybe it doesn’t. Whether I know or not : I know it does. Maybe it doesn’t either. It is. It’s not.

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