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Word!

1. I had half a litre of milk, one ten rupees bread packet, a bowl full of rice and daal in lunch. I had two rotis and a glass of milk in the morning after breathing exercises and a plate of poha before I entered inside the stadium. I could throw only three overs. A boy who had a bag on his back asked if I could give him the ball. I would have been left with nothing to play. Bob Dylan’s Tambourine Man plays on Spotify playlist. Another madman was projecting Murari Baapu while Narayan Sukta was playing: I was stopped by an old woman who wanted to confirm if she had approached the Chhatrasal’s Horse. She used these words in Bundelkhandi:

” Has Chhatrasal’s Horse arrived?”

“Keep walking straight,” I answered.

“But is it nearby?”

“Yes,” I said.

2. I read couple of stories by Rumi in library. They were translated by one Shandilya. I made a note.

Moses rebuked one devotee.

The unseen or alakh or adrishta told him on radio: “they’re the strange ones. I didn’t create this world to get service from them but to make them feel my power and debt. Let them speak as they please.”

Moses came out of the bushes and told the stranger whose clothes he had already burnt with his fire:” you can say as you please. “

3. The meeting with Shams e Tabriz: different accounts highlight Rumi’s master having command over either fire or water. The moment Rumi said to Tabrizi: ” This is the type of thing you know nothing about,” the books either caught fire or were dropped in the lake. They were recreated in one account and not recreated in another. The account I read today says that Rumi’s master was killed by his relatives because they suspected that he had done some magic which had made Rumi give up his old routine.

4. The Mongoose was spotted the moment I locked the library, hanged the key and began to walk. I kept observing it until it didn’t go away.

5. An army ‘water’ tank was parked outside the Post Office. It had “Factory Jabalpur” written on it. I had to make my students speak “Kaarkhana” and “Factory” multiple times. Despite being in the seventh standard she doesn’t know the meaning of either factory or Kaarkhana. I have to earn my bread but I am often concerned about how weak most of my students are when it comes to read and write. It seems as if they’re atleast two three standards behind. Her vocabulary is not enough to understand even fifth class Hindi books. I do what I can.

6. I had to sit on bench made by Jai Industries which is parked outside to the stadium: I took a nap listening to music. Most of the festivals are show off by communities who have hoarded money for long. People like us are accussed of stealing this or that: books, articles, trophy wives and so on: real hoardes remain behind the scene and the game continues. It’s a routine day for us. Even Sundays are workdays for us. For us there are no bank accounts, no subsidy, no free lunch, food or water, no welfare or community. Who are we and where did we come from and why?

7. I need some sleep before the next class. I am happy to have found a door opening in the Blogger’s World. Sometimes I wonder if Kristina Van Hoose was actually Pam Kirst herself: then you know: what happened? And if it was that Kristina of Automattic: it was a bigger conspiracy. Most forced and mean was entry of Visakha, Piyusha and Visakha’s stalker(where’s Nadine?): What did I really have to do with all that? Anyway: those who know : know that it was the most selfless hardwork I had ever done. Automattic didn’t say that the forum couldn’t be made into a chatting forum. Now : if it’s more active than it has been in the last four years: it gives me happiness. Pam. Oneta. Collate. Kristina. Nadine. Shine. Free spirit. Rashmi. Piyusha. Meg. Jose. And others who came together to create a space(like iambic pentameter poet who inspired thirteen words story,) for wandering souls. Growing up shouldn’t be boring or should it be optional. Passion meets creativity and becomes compassion. Emailing shouldn’t be an option either since we have telepathy. I began writing this note when it was thirteen five PM. I rest my case here. Happiness for all!

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A Nice Evening!

1. A sandwich on shop.

2. Decorations only remind me of: how poor I am. They do look lavish. I asked myself why: the answer was: I was born among very poor people and it hasn’t changed since eons. Why this clan had no merits is akin to asking: why I didn’t have merits. Original sin: fall from Grace. Sikhism, despite being a religion born in India is similar to Islam, Christianity, Judaism : it follows the book. Islam is similar to Shaiva Siddhanta. Nayanmars were a group of messengers with Vallalar being final. Prophet Muhammad was final as per Islam. Hinduism and Buddhism say that countless messengers keep coming and they can have any name and station.

3. A conversation on aging, immortality and reality with Piyush after I had finished ninety balls. That’s fifteen overs. I couldn’t rest in the noon as I needed to scribble ideas for blog. Things are now almost as good as they were in the year two thousand and eight when I was waiting for job. Minus bronchitis. Minus illusions about family, friends, birth, death, aging, medicines etc. The word San which is used in Hindi for the year following Christ : means “penance” or “passion.” When will penance cease? When will Yaldabaoth disappear. I did see Chelpa birds. Somebody bursted a cracker which scared birds : after that a few boys came who were eating gutka: they rudely kept bowling for a while : they had nothing to share but energy did rich crown.

4. Vocabulary quiz: 52233. Not even once as a lead. No wonder. Decipher means code which cracks puzzle. Cipher is zilch. Void. To avoid the void you need to create meaning. Meaningful solving of puzzles takes you out of the fourth dimension. Same as scaling. Then you become a bigger black hole. Then you need more meaning. This is the folding and unfolding in which chit increases and hence the bliss increases proportionately.

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Anecdotes

1. What does the word “Kaudniya” mean?

2. I had a nice meal after an anxious yesterday.

3. This morning I played with Vaibhav for a while. Moreover: we got the opportunity to jump over the entrance gate: together: I had to jump to enter and to exit. Weaknesses: surrounding sounds. Slippery hands. Smartphones. Tight pants etc. Strengths: courage. Music. Stepwise process. Breathing. Not lingering on it.

4. In retrospect: Vaibhav got help from the jersey number ten: Rooney. He’s a representative of Chhatarpur district. Swati versus Saafi incident had him in the core. It’s psychic medium but if anyone reads: they will understand.

I used to walk fast during my college days. They nicknamed me “Rocket.” Once: the Physics class was in the new complex and all students needed to reach there. I walked fast and reached there first to avoid the noises which might now be musical: Akshat, Mayuri, Vivek, Haqiqat, Ankur, Hussain, Garima, Arpita, Pragya, Vyas, Yogesh, Rahul, Piyush, Mukesh, Arpit and Swati.

Swati found me in the new premise and asked with as real a sense of surprise as anyone can bring for a genuine miracle: “How did you reach here?” I didn’t answer because I thought she was making fun of my anxiety. I thought it was obvious that I walked fast.

A similar incident happened without a gender bias. The impressive law defying Rooney guy crossed me couple of times. He had bike, fair complexion and plenty of hairs. After finishing my morning poha I reached back to the kingdom of God, like a child, i.e. in the Cricket Academy: only to find him already inside. To jump over the door or to open it and to park bike or to use a secret passage: it all needed special privileges: or he knew a door which was like main entrance to the playground from the Western side. Look at the repurcussions: a policeman started beating an autowallah who was sleepy and probably hit his bike. He called one Mayank Tiwari who belongs to Maafia. I had a conversation with him and he enjoyed the whole event.

Did Swati really witness anything similar after our small rendezvous? I felt pride for a moment after my doubt had vanished. Later my knees suffered under intoxication. But did she suffer like I did for her naivete? She didn’t. And my wonder was mental whereas her amazement was expressed. Moreover: the foundation in the second event was porn. Khajuraho is popular for porn.

Vaibhav wanted to go to Mumbai to sell corn with me. He’s only fourteen but porn does rhyme with corn.

I am always the bearer of cross. I don’t want to be. I was courageous. Perhaps it’s an itch. I walked great distances and rode great pleateaus: went to watch Akshay Kumar’s “Waqt Hamara Hai” on a rented bicycle in Govardhan talkies alone when I was merely a boy. Vaibhav also ran away to Harpalpur to earn more Vaibhav. I ran away to accumulate more bliss but it was late. I was already twenty seven.

5. Umang discussed about Ghanshi. I think I have a clear answer. It was Rahul who first told me that grandmother masterbates before him. I had never seen her doing that but unfortunately she had lost her husband when she was still not forty five plus. Since then she kept preying on her children and grandchildren. I had seen her suffering from itch. Addicted to tobacco, mahua, ber and all that’s rotten: she kept enjoying herself. It was all bearable until I realized that I was trapped by my mother and grandmother even after having given up all of it in the year two thousand and fourteen. The clear answer is: Ghanshi found this house to have a great amount of sexual energy because three sons, one profligate Shilaajeet and two scorpion ladies were a perfect match. She barely moved a house or two for a while before settling here. Next: like Nayak ji who used to talk to me about how bad he felt about his house height being like Sudama’s hut compared to the duplex in which I used to live : he made a three stories house just to prove a point. The colony where so called Mamaji used to beat his Novel wife for she wanted to sing: he made a taunt to me once:” people are sleeping in other’s houses these days” : How dare he! He was living on rent. I was not paying rent. It was his wife who first approached me to consult on their horoscopes. I made no advances. I fed their hungry children who were malnutritioned. Just to prove a point he made another house in the vicinity. Countless trillions of Mahajanans and Thekedaars like these who are actually running prostitution rackets in the name of families hurt people who mean absolutely no harm. Ghanshi is a prostitute who doesn’t belong to any groups or maybe does; for I don’t have snitches. If this house really had excess of food: I wouldn’t have remained hungry and sleepless. It just has as much as nearby houses. Maybe less. Why this house Ghanshi? Because you are deprived of sex and we have plenty of Shilajeet. Kesar. Mooslee. Kundalini. What else do you need to hear Ashok? Or was it Harsh enough or Yashraj enough? Give me a minute.

6. People who physically abused me. To be beaten by military before Dabbu, Chitransh or Guddu or Antu’s mother for seemingly no reasons in the year twenty twenty, in April at an age of thirty five is nothing. Just one cane stroke. It wasn’t necessary: I was convinced that they were many. Dinesh Mishra and Ramcharan Vidyarthi were involved. Harijana misusing their rights? Yes, why not. I never knew what their schedules for working were. I was not even pariah. Pariah lived in communities. I was on my own.

I was given a punch in nose by Aditya’s elder brother NityaPrakash. Pintoo was the only son of Tiwari compounder who got so irritated that he held me by ears and lifted me up. Babloo abused me in other ways but was kinder than Pintoo. Tiwari ji was a saint but son had temper issues : they belonged to Banda. He was a tukka bowler.

Hingwasia’s son Sonu abused me verbally. I thought Tinku chacha would come to my rescue but he cleverly disowned me. Suddenly I was a neighbour : like in Umang’s father’s marriage when I expected to be in the family photo albums. Why did I even bother to travel so long: ten hours! Sonu committed suicide. Anchhi started beating me: being heavier than me as well as surrounded by many people whom he knew: Abhishek Rajput did come to my rescue but it was already late. I was not brutal: I was competitive: in that sense I could take on all three of Ankur, Romi and Ranu alone when the need arose but it was not out of malice. For when in physical contests I was outdone by Chhotu who uttered “Jai Kali Maa” or by Suresh who defeated me for a pouch of Gutka: I honestly accepted my defeat. I was beaten by Arun Dwivedi in one such contest when Babloo came to pick me up. I didn’t need anyone to pick me.

I was physically beaten and scolded by Pathak ji for taking dumps on his plot. I was sent there by my parents. Another policeman living on rent in Mishra’s garden asked me to pick my own faeces in a polythene. My parents had sent me to do that. Who was more cruel? Can they eat their faeces like Tailanga did?

I was beaten by a younger guy in a physical contest in stadium. He had a cow and used to drink milk. He was one of those guys who surface when you have found a Blogger’s World. Like Success Inspirer. It’s an endless chain of events woven by memories.

I created a Karate group and many children were beaten by many children before Deepu had blood coming out of his nose after Raanu’s round kick made him unconscious. Ankur was also beaten and cried before I asked them to stop. I was young but with unique inspiring skills and martial arts. I was beaten by a guy who was atleast three years elder. I almost died with pain: Town hall garden. Munir Hasan Shamsi Paradesi was in charge. I did feel that he was irresponsible by creating a match like that. I was the youngest of the lot.

In case of Ankur’s stomach getting a kick while i was careful: he complained that a whistle was in his stomach. His aunt and grandmother stopped talking to me. I stole their Cosco bat which was barely half and was already stolen from tribal welfare.

Maybe balance sheet will be shown some day: maybe I will be shown counting the number of butterflies killed with Romi. Romi killed less or I did? I don’t remember. I was very young. Young people don’t get trapped by sins(I was told) why then did the memories keep hurting? I was only ten or eleven. Hunting.

7. The prime reason I wrote this confessional or weak ideals post: I was feeling invincible after good workouts. I needed a balancing act. Maybe I outdid myself by being too negative in my description. Santosh Sharma might have beaten me instead of Kutti. I did quit his tuition despite his terror. I did feel that it was not his memory of elements table but rather terror which made students go to tuition. Manoj Choudhary was an eye opener. I found Vinod Vishwakarma to be a better teacher of organic chemistry: his son had speech disability. He lived near Masjid. Namrta Patil used to come in that batch. Ajita or her lookalike was present on the medical shop where Pappu bhaiya’s wife went to get changes for five hundred rupees. Ajita mocked me for not joining her in play in the Church: I was hesitant even yesterday for the sane reasons. Then once my acrobatics misfired because I was carrying load. I thanked Suyash who was buying momos for his sister. Suyash mostly buys for her but himself eats very little. He drinks a lot of water.

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A Relevant Verse By Atal Bihari Vajpayee!

Worship of Mother banned!

The verse in Hindi was written by Atal Bihari Vajpayee. It was written when he was taken captive during emergency.

The front of this book has an image in which Indira Gandhi, then prime minister, has been portrayed as incarnation of Parashuram. Parashuram is considered to be incarnation of Vishnu who is God-head.

The book was published in 1977. Modern Printers, 21 Dariyaganj, New Delhi. By Saraswati Vihar.

Image courtesy: Gandhi Smarak Bhavan Chhatarpur Madhya Pradesh.

Another which stood out has to do with ‘tantra’ being more powerful than ‘mantra’. Billboards succeed where mantras fail. Reference to journeys.

I was slightly mollycoddled to publish this by Kabir’s verse enacted by Agni band.

Owing to lack of time I am not able to translate the verse into English at present. My apologies to English readers of this blog.

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Six Jams!

1. 351531: six jams on vocab.com.

2. The first couple of jams were hacked. As soon as total number of participants reaches near hundred servers tend to crash. Might be lack of data and premature conclusion.

3. Reasoning type question: only one.

4. Fill in the blanks are most difficult because they need reading of entire questions, then choosing options and clicking, all within the ten seconds time.

5. Easiest are synonymous and definition type questions especially in the quizzes where word roots based questions are asked as they depend only on long term memory and solving them doesn’t even need reading entire questions.

6. I played enough of WFP Free Rice to compensate for yesterday.

Samaya: The Great Time

7. I washed enough number of utensils to compensate for yesterday.

8. I bowled only ninety two balls because it took time to enter inside stadium. Some biker shouted: “stadium has been closed.” I jumped over the door with a group of kids who said it was akin to an army drill for them. I have jumped over three doors so far: three more remaining.

9. Three hundred rupees by Shailendra: they were received after talking to about eight people : after making at least seven phone calls: after going to a stranger’s house thrice. After convincing them that I was in the dire need.

10 An objection remains: Shailendra didn’t talk. After receiving the money: Aakash said: since he quit your coaching five days before the monthly session was completed: he deserves to pay only for twenty five days. The way events happened from my viewpoint make it clear: they were not upto English Vocabulary and Grammar alone. They were supposed to learn all subjects. The manner in which Shailendra disappeared was not honorable or compensation for my services. In case of most of them I was being sacrificed and if I didn’t appear on a day or two: they didn’t actually fulfill their part by keeping notebook on vocabulary. They didn’t learn words. If you want to learn English or other subjects for a month: you need to attend classes for a month. Better pay in advance so that your teacher has enough life force to teach you : instead of mocking him or her not being upto your ethical or any other standards. If Shailendra still feels I did him wrong: I am willing to teach him for five days without charging anything. I will give him water of life to drink and I will give him words to memorize and their association. Only Shailendra not other smartypants.

11. Now that I have money to support myself for next nine days at max: I need to get another hundred rupees from Suyash : which he might be able to pay by the eighteenth as promised. Rest of the payments will be made by the first of November by the students of new batch. It will be clear by twentieth if the new batch is going to start or not. In any case: I still am living below poverty line for some strange reason. The barber has got a ration card. I have no subsidy. No quota. No protection. I have poisonous people around me who want to suck life force out of me because they can’t control me for long.

12. I went to academy. Somehow Jai called me after a while to help him practice. He doesn’t know that I narrated an event about him. If you remove the possibility of some kind of conspiracy: only two possible reasons exist: first: I was familiar and free: he felt comfortable with me. That removes my understanding of his being in a league which is beyond my access: off course I cannot afford a kit for next two years at the rate I am earning money. The second: his gift or being Indigo: that remains the only possible explanation : his tanned face and the manner he played were enough to tell me that he had been working hard like his coach and if they had perfection like mine: they would have first removed the Sun and then started to practice. Which ensures either an award in method acting for the whole group or my delusions being removed. In any case: I couldn’t have done anything else. The treatment in the dressing room. The Swati versus Saafi: then some young boys asking why I chose stadium over academy. The only pattern has been : my resolutions being broken by some parties or other. For balance or imbalance: however you might like to interpret it: To Vallalar.

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No Miracles Today!

1. Best of five: top spot in the four jams. Forty active players on an average.

2. Bhagvata Purana confirms what I knew all along. And yet I wonder.

3. Piyush again felt good to discuss about our dream and waking states.

Yashraj : if he objects I would delete the image. I intended to capture only the Sun. This is all the photoshop I know. Usually i stay out of controversy.

4. I wanted to tell Suyash about Rishabhdeva. Since Rishabh means ‘Shreshtha’ or ‘Arya’: he was born as an Arya and gained Kaivalya or Arhata via Avadhoot path. Similar to Dattatreya.

5. I could only bowl a total of 100 balls today. I had stuffed my body with food. I needed more sleep : the time spent in the library on discussion about the things we all already knew.

6. Ancient empty street is too dead for dreaming: Bob Dylan. The YouTube version I used to hear: had a better voice than Dylan’s. That’s how I want to keep the song in my memory: something that gave me inspiration during darkest of my hours. A Nobel prize winner who committed suicide has an eaten up soul. Words come from somewhere else. Is this the street Vallalar was exalting. It can’t be. I hope.

7. Couldn’t play as much of Free Rice. Didn’t do the dishes. Means washing more of them tomorrow. The AI keeps asking what am I looking for tomorrow: I am looking for three hundred rupees payment by Shailendra. Only hope for survival in this fiercely competitive universe.

8. I counted more than hundred Chepla birds going towards the Northwest. It’s rare. I want to learn more about the bird but to google I need an English name. I don’t know any ornithologist. This bird is the twilight zone bird for me. Stadium has been open for about forty days. Police might be back after elections are over : it has been a pattern.

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Morning Running!

1. 30 balls.

2. Class in morning was an assignment where I did very well.

3. The burst of tyre of tractor.

4. Discussion about miscellaneous topics in library.

5. Kapil defines life and death in the third canto of Bhagvata thusly:

When the causal body is not working in sync with the gross body: it’s death.

When the causal body is working in sync with the gross body: it’s life.

The definition is succinct and clear in the scheme of three bodies: gross, subtle and the causal.

Gross is your body: made of various organs: skin, head, hands, legs, face, feet etcetera. Subtle: your thoughts. Causal: dancing light of grace which is synonymous with unstruck sound.

It means: unless you pay attention to the causal body: your consciousness becomes localised in ego structures, which results in the death or life force becoming weaker, whereas : gross body working in sync with the subtle body means that life force increases.

I might be able to read Garuna Purana in library after a few days.

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October the thirteenth!

1. I bowled 130 times in total during the day. Different balls were bowled at different speeds and the slog overs were bowled very slowly for it was getting darker and I needed the ball to be with me to continue the practice. It seemed I had lost it about two times. If the student who comes at three thirty in the afternoon was willing to come half an hour earlier: I would have reached on ground in time for completing my everyday goal before it was dark. I needed sleep to let muscles heal and I got it. It’s more than twenty overs of bowling : I should be content with it but the food and environment are beyond my control: to be able to continue any sports activities: you need constant energy. Flux is the law : if I can continue to practice for a few days : I consider myself fortunate.

2. Moderation is not just good for me: it’s a constraint. On Spotify as I keep listening to music: the advertisers use rhetorics and exhort in very convincing voices about upgrading the music. If it was really possible: I would have opted for the best quality without delay. But the ground reality is: I received this smartphone after about ten months’ delay: after confirmation that I was indeed living with goblins and it was systematic “Wicker Men” movie since a long long time. To recharge the internet services I have to toil hard at work. And to remain worried about my next meals. Thus: music industry which does help me focus on things which matter: comes via channels which are run by advertisement agencies. Premium is the word they keep chanting while I barely have money to keep my life support on. What did humanity come to and when?

3. I played five jams on vocabulary.com. There were forty participants per game on an average. I scored points enough to be within top three in the best of five. Easy enough to do. Visual questions need a bandwidth which can’t be reached with current internet speed. Internet is free for educational purposes in many countries and this country only has dark web and dark net to sacrifice foster kids. Lowest quality of technology is given to genuine researchers and best of it to military and political propaganda. Why preach nonviolence and harmony if it’s always an all out war? If you don’t keep walking: you can’t even stand up. The reality of fasting: which is preached in Hinduism and by Gandhi and others: if you truly practice it in an environment like I live in and continue to do it regularly: countless hounds come nibbling at your soul. They eat your life force by every movement of theirs. For decades upon decades breathing and music were my only rescue: I was always a pariah no matter where I lived. The moment I trusted I was preparing a ground for being cheated. This is the only reality I know at individual level.

4. I am engaged in more number of activities than I thought. If I keep track of all of them they seem superhumane compared to my previous lifestyle and it has no support if I ever need rest because I was feeding goblins all my life. If I had refused to come back to this place: perhaps I might have met goblins in different garbs but the totality is too much for anyone to take: especially when the night is very dark. Hence: the music, literature, recreation, sports and diversions. If you are told: what is called death is going to happen countless number of times and the cycles of fear, desire, aversion and attachment come no matter what you do: you might not believe it because you have been shown great dreams. Better to wake up than to continue dreaming fantastic dreams. It’s all a matrix. Friends, family, society, community, religion, business and other things. Only when I have gone totally beyond the energy constraints and limitations: I was in, i would let you know about the journey. Right now: I really don’t know where I am and how I reached here. It is a dream which sometimes becomes a nightmare. And when it does: time stops. You can’t sleep. You can’t rest. It’s what Buddhism calls the ‘pitch darkness’ : neither gods nor mantras help in that space. Jolts of electrical current and accumulated pain haunts you. Though imaginary: the hell is as real as heaven is. Gray aliens attack you collectively in the final hours of spasm when you have convulsions: there’s no rescue then. If I am here to report about that space there certainly exist worse states of existence and if they are unavoidable for every being: there is absolutely no point in exalting heavens or enlightenment. Because: total enlightenment means knowing each and everything. On the other hand: if the darkness is merely a shadow: an ignorance : it should appear like a passing show. Not like a Jacob’s ladder or convulsions in an eternal nightmare.

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October the thirteenth!

1. I bowled 130 times in total during the day. Different balls were bowled at different speeds and the slog overs were bowled very slowly for it was getting darker and I needed the ball to be with me to continue the practice. It seemed I had lost it about two times. If the student who comes at three thirty in the afternoon was willing to come half an hour earlier: I would have reached on ground in time for completing my everyday goal before it was dark. I needed sleep to let muscles heal and I got it. It’s more than twenty overs of bowling : I should be content with it but the food and environment are beyond my control: to be able to continue any sports activities: you need constant energy. Flux is the law : if I can continue to practice for a few days : I consider myself fortunate.

2. Moderation is not just good for me: it’s a constraint. On Spotify as I keep listening to music: the advertisers use rhetorics and exhort in very convincing voices about upgrading the music. If it was really possible: I would have opted for the best quality without delay. But the ground reality is: I received this smartphone after about ten months’ delay: after confirmation that I was indeed living with goblins and it was systematic “Wicker Men” movie since a long long time. To recharge the internet services I have to toil hard at work. And to remain worried about my next meals. Thus: music industry which does help me focus on things which matter: comes via channels which are run by advertisement agencies. Premium is the word they keep chanting while I barely have money to keep my life support on. What did humanity come to and when?

3. I played five jams on vocabulary.com. There were forty participants per game on an average. I scored points enough to be within top three in the best of five. Easy enough to do. Visual questions need a bandwidth which can’t be reached with current internet speed. Internet is free for educational purposes in many countries and this country only has dark web and dark net to sacrifice foster kids. Lowest quality of technology is given to genuine researchers and best of it to military and political propaganda. Why preach nonviolence and harmony if it’s always an all out war? If you don’t keep walking: you can’t even stand up. The reality of fasting: which is preached in Hinduism and by Gandhi and others: if you truly practice it in an environment like I live in and continue to do it regularly: countless hounds come nibbling at your soul. They eat your life force by every movement of theirs. For decades upon decades breathing and music were my only rescue: I was always a pariah no matter where I lived. The moment I trusted I was preparing a ground for being cheated. This is the only reality I know at individual level.

4. I am engaged in more number of activities than I thought. If I keep track of all of them they seem superhumane compared to my previous lifestyle and it has no support if I ever need rest because I was feeding goblins all my life. If I had refused to come back to this place: perhaps I might have met goblins in different garbs but the totality is too much for anyone to take: especially when the night is very dark. Hence: the music, literature, recreation, sports and diversions. If you are told: what is called death is going to happen countless number of times and the cycles of fear, desire, aversion and attachment come no matter what you do: you might not believe it because you have been shown great dreams. Better to wake up than to continue dreaming fantastic dreams. It’s all a matrix. Friends, family, society, community, religion, business and other things. Only when I have gone totally beyond the energy constraints and limitations: I was would let you know about the journey. Right now: I really don’t know where I am and how I reached here. It is a dream which sometimes becomes a nightmare. And when it does: time stops. You can’t sleep. You can’t rest. It’s what Buddhism calls the ‘pitch darkness’ : neither gods nor mantras help in that space. Jolts of electrical current and accumulated pain haunts you. Though imaginary: the hell is as real as heaven is. Gray aliens attack you collectively in the final hours of spasm when you have convulsions: there’s no rescue then. If I am here to report about that space there certainly exist worse states of existence and if they are unavoidable for every being: there is absolutely no point in exalting heavens or enlightenment. Because: total enlightenment means knowing each and everything. On the other hand: if the darkness is merely a shadow: an ignorance : it should appear like a passing show. Not like a Jacob’s ladder or convulsions in an eternal nightmare.

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Adventures Early Morning!

1. It’s as hot as a Summer day. I had a plate of poha after couple of samosas. The guy who had narrated the background story about Dhaniram was serving Poha today. He used to have a juice shop in Summers of two thousand and eighteen.

2. The juice shop was besides the Aggrawal Travel Agency. His sniding remark was about “father shooting with license and the son without licence: ” that, along with his younger sibling digesting my ten rupees while I ordered a second glass of mango juice as a damsel appeared: remains as a bitter memory. The parting remark by another customer was related to Kaalratri where I first made it to Pradeep Khare and later narrated it to my sibling and others. What kind of execution goes into making this possible?

3. A lot indeed. Unless you read the last post about Dhaniram : you won’t see the link. The credit is obviously to the juice seller. Yet: his bitter remarks stand out with ‘panu atthe chaalees’ tutor who had it a custom to beat his students by pressing a sand particle in their ears. Used a gents bicycle. Used to wear the ear ring. Worst tutor. Only second in rank to Manoj Chaturvedi. These people are possessed by goblins.

4. My history with the juice seller turned poha seller isn’t more than that. That I chose to go to poha shop instead of the vada shop as I had decided(because it was crowded): that I saw and recognised him instead of the usual scissor wielder: that he started talking along the thread : is man made machination. This is infamy or popularity. Sow what you reap.

5. I had to jump over the stadium door on the Eastern side. It was a cake walk as far as action is concerned but waiting for boys to clear out before they made at least one or two remarks meant letting my imagination remind me of agoraphobia and acrophobia both in a short span of time. I think it’s enough of adventure for a morning : given that it’s not a cold weather yet. The first day on roof doing breathing and secretary of the institution where I am writing this note doesn’t miss to ask about the construction work.

6. Come to think of it Enola Holmes might be the biggest movie I have seen this year. I could watch only for ninety six minutes. It’s clearly about the women empowerment. Going into background of heroes and completely disregarding them happens when genres have become hackneyed. Women empowerment in a matriarchal country. Who are we kidding with? Gender bender is the greatest of deceptions.

7. I bowled 30 times yet it was plenty of perspiration. Still dehydrated.